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I am not okay

~

I’ve been putting off writing this post forever.

The longer a silence goes on, the harder it is to break it. I’m conscious of the fact that we have hundreds of new subscribers on board since the last time I posted (thank you for being here!!)… and this is not exactly the way I would have chosen to welcome you.

The thing is, I am not exactly okay.

It’s hard to talk about, so I’m going to start with something easier. Something external to me and big and dramatic that might just take the focus away from the small and hard and personal things for just a little while longer.

It’s been approximately forever since my last post. There was a good reason for my silence at first. The day my last post went live, we were hit by a Category 5 cyclone. I live 5 minutes from the beach…. just south of that little dot on the map called “Yeppoon”.

The day before impact, the cyclone had been predicted to hit the coast quite a distance north from where we live, and then only at a Category 2-3. In the last 24 hours, it intensified extremely quickly into a Cat 5. And unfortunately for us, the path kept shifting south, until it was heading directly for us. Tropical Cyclone Marcia was predicted to make landfall in the early hours of Friday morning.

I won’t lie: I was scared. It started out kind of exciting and thrilling – a cyclone! I’d never been in a cyclone before. We bought torches and spare batteries and found candles and matches. We kept checking updates and watched the news reports.

Somewhere before bedtime on Thursday night, though, it wasn’t so fun anymore. By this time, the storm had blown up to epic proportions, and I knew too much.

I’d done some reading up on the Bureau of Meteorology website and learned these fun facts:

Experts were comparing it in intensity to Hurricane Katrina. I saw visions of flattened, devastated neighbourhoods and wondered if we’d still have a house in the morning. If anyone would. 
Lots of people were evacuating from the coast and fleeing to Rocky, or to the cyclone shelter in Yeppoon. Should we go? Should we stay? It had all happened so fast, I felt completely caught off guard. Only that morning on Facebook I’d been joking about the impending cyclone interfering with my social plans. All of a sudden, it was no longer a joke.
Thursday night, I hardly slept. 
First thing in the morning, we built ourselves a bunker in the Walk-in-Robe. We lined it with mattresses and stocked it with water, snacks, torches, and games for the kids. They thought it was fantastic. A secret hideout! Hooray! 
We tried to keep it lighthearted and make a game of it, but truthfully, I felt sick with anticipation. I had no idea what to expect in the next few hours. Would the windows shatter? Would the roof fly off? Would debris slice through the house? Would I be able to protect my kids?

The wind started to pick up outside. On the news, the Premier warned us that we were about to go through a “terrifying and harrowing experience.” Amazingly enough, this didn’t help me feel any better.

Then the power went out. It was happening.

We watched the trees in our backyard blown nearly horizontal from the force of the wind. The roar sounded like a freight train screaming past within inches of our home. 
And yet, the more intense the storm became, the calmer I felt. It was the oddest thing. 
Before the power went out I’d been talking to some friends on Facebook. I knew we had people praying for us from all over the world. I could actually feel the prayers. The sick panicked feeling slowly ebbed and subsided. During the worst of the storm, I lay down on the mattress with Allegra and we both fell fast asleep.
We woke to an altered world.
It took some time for us to register what had happened. Half a dozen trees in our backyard were snapped in two from the ferocity of the wind. But our house was fine. Our street was fine. The people sheltering down the road from us in the Rec Club were fine. There were trees down over the roads everywhere and a few fence panels blown out here and there, but the houses we saw in our neighbourhood were all remarkably intact. 

How was this possible? A Category 5 storm was supposed to flatten everything in its path, wasn’t it?

We limped into Rocky down a debris-strewn highway and couldn’t believe the contrast. Rockhampton, half an hour further inland, where the storm had eased off to a Category 3 by the time it hit. And it was like a warzone. Hundreds of powerlines down across streets. Piles of twisted steel and debris. Massive trees blocking roads. Roofs missing. Carports and sheds blown away.

This was my father-in-law’s place after impact. The bedroom roof was torn off completely, leaving the room open to the sky.
The house was deemed unfit for habitation and taped off. They were told they couldn’t go back inside.
Thankfully the in-laws have a fully furnished second house which escaped unscathed, so they have somewhere to live. But needless to say, they were shaken by the experience. They were sheltering downstairs in the bathroom when the roof ripped away – I can only imagine how frightening that must have sounded.
It took us a while to understand what had happened: that the cyclone had grazed past the edge of us on the coast, and hit Rockhampton straight on. After seeing the devastation from a Category 3 direct hit in Rocky, I can only imagine how tragic the outcome could have been for everyone on the coast had we sustained a direct hit (as had been predicted) while the cyclone was still at Category 5. 
Without doubt, lives would have been lost. 
Even catching the side of the storm at its fully fledged fury, Yeppoon (just to the north of us) was hit hard and suffered some serious damage. But I believe it’s God’s grace that the path of the storm veered sideways, sparing the coast the most powerful winds at the height of the cyclone’s intensity.
With hundreds of power lines down in the wake of TC Marcia, the city and coast sweltered in the tropical heat. The power was out almost everywhere and would remain out for a week. No air-conditioning, no fans, no refrigerators. Food spoiled. The sound of generators became the noisy theme of the still nights. People queued for hours to buy petrol from the one or two servos with power. 
After a day in the dripping hot humidity on the coast, we fled to hubby’s Rockhampton office where miraculously the power was still on. The bliss of air-conditioning!! Those rooms became quite the drop-in centre. At night we had wall to wall bodies, upstairs and down. It felt good to be able to help others out. 
We knew we’d been incredibly fortunate. Some people had lost everything. Still, for the first couple of days after the cyclone, I kept catching myself tearing up at odd moments. I think it was delayed shock. My body saying, “What the hell just happened!” The terror of waiting for the storm to hit, the intensity of it all, the wash of weak relief afterward, the unsettling strangeness of driving around town seeing a familiar landscape made alien, ugly, scarred. Enormous trees ripped up whole by the roots. Piles of debris and branches on every street. A world in chaos.
In some way, the turmoil of the outside world matched the turmoil I had been feeling inside for quite some time. Months, actually. 
And here’s the hard part. The bit that’s scary and difficult for me to talk about.
The fact is, I’ve been struggling with depression.
There. I said it.
I am not okay.



I guess it really started last year, around the time we were getting ready to move. It was to be our third move in three years. I’d been planning for it, but everything changed at the last minute and all of a sudden we didn’t know where we would be moving to. 


We’d put all the pieces into place for a big move to the other end of the state, but an unexpected opportunity came up and we started seriously considering a local sea-change instead, from the city to the nearby coast.  We were relying on some specific external factors to help us make our decision, but the answers we needed never came. All of a sudden it was crunch time – schools needed to finalise the kids’ enrolments for the new year, and we had to make our choice.

I started having panic attacks. The first time it happened, it was triggered by someone at church asking about our plans for our move. Everyone was confused about what we were doing. Heck, we were confused about what we were doing.

I tried to answer, and found I couldn’t breathe. I could barely speak. It felt like my lungs were being squeezed and I couldn’t get enough air in. I felt dizzy. My heart battered in my chest like I was being chased. I burst into tears.

It got worse, to the point where trying to get the kids off to school in the morning was enough to trigger a panic attack. I felt anxious all the time. I’d never had anxiety before. I’d been stressed out before, of course, but this went so far beyond stress. It was a constant burning, churning in my gut. Heart galloping. A feeling of inexplicable dread and terror. It was horrible. And nothing touched the sides of the anxiety. Deep breathing didn’t do a thing. Nothing helped.

Our church held a two week revival, and things went really downhill at that point. The intensity of what I was going through reached a whole new level. I went to church every night, and every day the anxiety grew worse. I had never felt such an oppression in my entire life. I felt under attack.

Now, please understand that I’m not  saying ALL depression or anxiety is a spiritual attack. It’s a real thing, a physiological thing. I know – I grew up in a family where serious mental illness was a part of our lives. You wouldn’t tell a person with cancer that it was caused by some spiritual problem. Same goes for any illness of the mind. I feel really strongly about that.

However, during that particular week of my life, I definitely felt under spiritual attack. It made me get stubborn. I knew I had to keep attending the services. I received prayer and felt God move in tangible ways. But it wasn’t until after the revival ended, at a women’s Bible study meeting when my pastor’s wife began praying for me, praying with passionate authority against anxiety, that the power of God swept through me so strongly that I was left literally on the floor unable to stand up.

And the anxiety left.


Gone.

Instantly, completely and utterly gone. It was breathtaking. I could hardly dare believe it.

It has never been back.

I know without a doubt that God healed me. Pure grace, because I’m sure I wouldn’t have survived the chaos of the end of last year if things had continued the way they’d been going. I wouldn’t have coped.

In the end, we made our move blindly. Without the vital information we needed. Praying for guidance. Stepping out into thin air and hoping for the best. Feeling as if everything we’d expected to happen had been turned on its head.

And we entered a weird sort of limbo full of uncertainty and waiting.

Waiting for answers. Waiting for our house to sell. Waiting for the right door to open so we can buy some land and get settled here.

Waiting for those thin blue lines on a stick.

We’ve been trying for another baby for what feels like forever and is actually somewhat over a year. Every month that I’m not pregnant I get really sad, and then the next week I have a bad day with the kids and I’m all conflicted over whether I could even handle another one. Basket case much? I’m 35 years old, I have PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) and every month that ticks past it feels like my chances of ever having another child are dwindling. I know what infertility feels like – we had trouble conceiving our first child too, even with medical intervention – and it’s just not a fun place to be in.

Enter mental opponent number two… depression.

Ever since our move, I’ve struggled to settle in to our new community. In all honesty, I’ve felt incredibly lonely and isolated. As a stay-home Mum, I rely so much on my outside support networks – playgroup, playdates with friends. I never realised quite how much those things meant to me until I’d left them behind.

The process of meeting new people and getting involved in local groups could have happened a lot quicker except that we sold our second car shortly after we moved, and so I’ve been stranded at home a lot of the time. My routine flew out the window. I couldn’t make classes at the gym, so I stopped exercising altogether. I heard about a great playgroup I would have loved to join, but I couldn’t get there.

I’ve missed blogging. I know it all sounded good in my Balance post, but truthfully, since cutting back this year, I feel like I’ve lost part of myself. I know blogging shouldn’t determine my worth, but the fact is, without this creative outlet, I’ve felt discouraged and worthless.

Image by twobee, Freedigitalphotos.net
At the same time, depression makes it much, much harder to face blogging. I withdraw from people and I get scared about what others will think of me. The blank white screen is unutterably daunting. What if they hate me? What if I have nothing worthwhile to offer? I probably don’t. I already feel like a failure. It’s easier to run away and hide, not to even try.

My thoughts have become increasingly negative. I’ve spent entire days either crying nonstop or slumped lifelessly at the table while Allegra watches TV. I’ve always been a highly motivated, go-getter type of person, but this year everything has felt like an effort. I haven’t been able to sleep and I forget to eat. My concentration has been shot.

I’ve been seeing a doctor. My depression is classed as “moderate”, not severe, so I was given a choice whether to go on medication or try some other things first. At the moment, I’m trying some other things.

And you know what… they’ve been working.

The last two weeks, things have been looking up.

Some key circumstances have changed. We bought a second car. What a ripple effect that’s had. I’ve finally been able to get out of the house with Allegra and go to playgroup. I’ve started exercising again four times a week. I’ve met some people – truly lovely people. I’ve had grown-up conversations with other ACTUAL ADULTS. I’ve joined B-school and have been ploughing my way through the work, feeling a sense of purpose returning to me, a sense of achievement and accomplishment that I’ve missed so much.

Things have changed.

I’m sure if they hadn’t, this post would have languished as a Blogger draft forever, for if there’s one thing depression steals, it’s courage, and sharing this has taken every bit of courage I possess.

I still have down days. I’m not all better yet. But I’m putting this out there in the hope that it may speak to someone else who has been through or is going through the same thing.

The first step is simply to do what I’ve done today. You don’t have to share your naked soul with thousands of readers. Just tell a friend. Tell your partner. Just say the words.

I am not okay.

And see what happens. Things can only get better from here.

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Lovely comments

  1. Karen, thank you for sharing your story! I&#39ve struggled with depression since my teen years – on and off for the last 22 years (gosh, that makes me feel old) and I identified with so much of what you said. My thought patterns would at times create these ruts that even when I was trying to put forth a huge effort, I would just feel stuck back in the negative ones. Anxiety is so crippling. There are days when I would look around and want to clean up and get things done and I just couldn&#39t. So hard to describe, but it feels awful to sit there and be non-functional.

    Anyway, I have had times on medicine and times not. It certainly can be a tool that is helpful but isn&#39t some perfect, quick fix, of course. (And there are side effects!) Being with people, getting out, and exercising all are things that help me as well. Last year about this time I was going through the lowest point of my life (hopefully ever) and I went to a psychiatrist, something I hadn&#39t done in years and years. My child bearing/nursing years I hadn&#39t taken medication or anything. The psych shared some rather obvious but important things about self care – which can be so hard as a mom. Getting adequate rest, exercising, good nutrition. And he really emphasized good nutrition. He explained that the medicine I would be starting on doesn&#39t create neuro transmitters, just helps release ones that my body has already made, so I needed to be eating a lot of protein and lots of fruits and vegetables. Of course, in the thick of depression I wanted to eat chocolate bars and other junk. Just wanted to throw that out there in case anyone could find it helpful.

    Thank you for sharing. I know it is hard to share because we just want to be fine and there are terrible stigmas about mental health, but it makes me so happy when people share since depression is naturally isolating. You are not alone, it is okay to not be okay, and I&#39m very glad to hear that things are starting to feel better!

  2. Hi Karen,
    What amazing courage this post took. A first step in the right direction sweet sister. You are not alone, and I am praying God&#39s peace, protection and POWER over you right now. Your story sounds like mine….Hurricane Hugo flattened St. Croix (USVI) in 1989 where I lived for a few short months. With my boyfriend. Definitely OUT of God&#39s will. Today I can honestly say God sent that devastating hurricane FOR ME, not against me. He released me from this terribly abusive relationship to FREE me from this situation. New Life happened and I was truly free.
    Twenty-six years later I still suffer w/mild depression (meds) but have an amazing hubby (23 years) and four incredible children who all love Jesus. It may take time, Karen, but with God in the picture you WILL BE OKAY. He wants GOOD for you and HE IS GOOD. All the time.
    A couple things for you to research…..PTSD (this cyclone would qualify!) and possibly hypothyroidism. A Dr schooled in wholistic medicine as well as traditional meds may be your route. I just went to one this week and she spent 45 minutes with me going over my history and connecting the dots. Truly God-ordained.
    Praying. Looking forward to reading your update and how the Lord heals His adored child.

  3. Karen, thank you for sharing your story! I've struggled with depression since my teen years – on and off for the last 22 years (gosh, that makes me feel old) and I identified with so much of what you said. My thought patterns would at times create these ruts that even when I was trying to put forth a huge effort, I would just feel stuck back in the negative ones. Anxiety is so crippling. There are days when I would look around and want to clean up and get things done and I just couldn't. So hard to describe, but it feels awful to sit there and be non-functional.

    Anyway, I have had times on medicine and times not. It certainly can be a tool that is helpful but isn't some perfect, quick fix, of course. (And there are side effects!) Being with people, getting out, and exercising all are things that help me as well. Last year about this time I was going through the lowest point of my life (hopefully ever) and I went to a psychiatrist, something I hadn't done in years and years. My child bearing/nursing years I hadn't taken medication or anything. The psych shared some rather obvious but important things about self care – which can be so hard as a mom. Getting adequate rest, exercising, good nutrition. And he really emphasized good nutrition. He explained that the medicine I would be starting on doesn't create neuro transmitters, just helps release ones that my body has already made, so I needed to be eating a lot of protein and lots of fruits and vegetables. Of course, in the thick of depression I wanted to eat chocolate bars and other junk. Just wanted to throw that out there in case anyone could find it helpful.

    Thank you for sharing. I know it is hard to share because we just want to be fine and there are terrible stigmas about mental health, but it makes me so happy when people share since depression is naturally isolating. You are not alone, it is okay to not be okay, and I'm very glad to hear that things are starting to feel better!

  4. I found your blog because of an interest in home decoration. I follow you because I am an ex rocky girl and felt a kinship of sorts with a common ground. This was cemented for me with you openly talking about your faith. Now i discover that a road I travel (and rarely talk about) is one you know as well. Depression is a bitch that has been visiting me for nearly thirty years. (I am 44). I have found many ways to keep moving forward and my faith has certainly sustained me over and over. I will add you to my prayers and hope that you too can find your feet while the rug keeps getting pulled in different directions. I am thankful for my struggles. I now know that I am strong and I will not only survive and thrive regardless of depression. I am struggling hard again now as I too try to fit into a &#39new&#39 life. And it is a day by day battle. but that&#39s okay. Everyday is step forward. You are alone in YOUR battle but please remember that you are definitely not alone in the war. I am sure you will hear from other &#39sufferers&#39 too. Your honesty and openness attracted me who virtually never talks about depression to others. Hopefully there will be others who will be able to talk about their own battle and maybe many who can&#39t but will definitely understand.Some may give advice and if I had any to offer it would be that try things but if they don&#39t work it&#39s simply that it didn&#39t work. Time to try something new. The ways in which I have successfully battled before do not seem to be be working now after so long, so even for me time to try something new. You are very brave and I thank you for reminding me that I too am not alone. I hope you find some comfort from this process. I hope that sharing has helped unburden and that knowing you are not alone affords you some armour that helps on the battleground. God bless
    PS I too have polysytic ovarian syndrome. I was told it was not likely for me to have any children at all in 1995. I have three children and there was also a miscarriage thrown in there as well. Hold tight.

  5. Karen,
    I have been thinking about you, and I am SO glad you wrote this post. I know exactly what anxiety and depression feel like, and I am so thankful that you have found a way to work through it. Love you girl!
    Angie

  6. Hi Karen,
    What amazing courage this post took. A first step in the right direction sweet sister. You are not alone, and I am praying God's peace, protection and POWER over you right now. Your story sounds like mine….Hurricane Hugo flattened St. Croix (USVI) in 1989 where I lived for a few short months. With my boyfriend. Definitely OUT of God's will. Today I can honestly say God sent that devastating hurricane FOR ME, not against me. He released me from this terribly abusive relationship to FREE me from this situation. New Life happened and I was truly free.
    Twenty-six years later I still suffer w/mild depression (meds) but have an amazing hubby (23 years) and four incredible children who all love Jesus. It may take time, Karen, but with God in the picture you WILL BE OKAY. He wants GOOD for you and HE IS GOOD. All the time.
    A couple things for you to research…..PTSD (this cyclone would qualify!) and possibly hypothyroidism. A Dr schooled in wholistic medicine as well as traditional meds may be your route. I just went to one this week and she spent 45 minutes with me going over my history and connecting the dots. Truly God-ordained.
    Praying. Looking forward to reading your update and how the Lord heals His adored child.

  8. My goodness Karen, you are so brave for sharing this. I am so glad you are feeling better. All the best xx

  9. Thank you so much Jill. You are a beautiful soul. He IS good… all the time. I truly believe it. I&#39ve had my thyroid levels checked and thankfully all is good there. I do feel speaking to someone with a more holistic approach would be of benefit. For me it all feels very hormonally linked. It first cropped up as postnatal depression after I had my third child, and my hormones and moods have been a bit of a rollercoaster since then. Glad you were able to find someone to connect the dots for you…. so important. Thank you for your loving words, they mean so very much. xoxo

  10. Thank you for your courage and honesty in blogging about your anxiety. I&#39ve really missed reading your blog and wondered what was going on. You have had a very hard time in the last months. I&#39ve just gone through a very anxious time in my life also. We so need to hear the stories of others and how they have coped. I don&#39t think blogging is about "what I&#39m doing in my wonderful, successful life" or "look at my beautiful, perfect home." I think it should be about ordinary people who are striving for a better life, wanting their family to be happy, and their home to be welcoming. My favorite blog is by a blogger who spent hours sanding and preparing an old mirror she was restoring. Then, she drove her SUV over it on the way to the hardware store to get paint. That&#39s something I would do. And, I loved her for being ordinary! I&#39m so happy you are on the right track — trusting in the Lord and hoping for the future. I pray for you to feel better each day. "For He will command His angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways." (Psalm 91:11) Blessings to you and your family!

  11. Dearest Lynn, thank you for your honesty. You are so right. Just in talking about this I feel embraced by so many others who&#39ve come forward identifying with what I&#39m saying. I never expected that. I&#39m a little overwhelmed to be honest (in a good way). And I think I&#39m starting to see why God has had me walk through this journey. We&#39re not alone. How freeing to realise that!! Sending love to you for your daily battles… may they become victories in his strength. xoxo

  14. Oh Kaye, that story made me laugh. YES!! "I think it should be about ordinary people who are striving for a better life, wanting their family to be happy, and their home to be welcoming." I want to frame that and stick it on my wall. That&#39s everything I hope for this blog. Honesty is scary but I would much rather be authentic and real than hide and pretend to be perfect. None of us are, and I think there&#39s so much connection and warmth in admitting that to each other. Thank you so much for your love and prayers! xoxo

  15. Dear Karen, I can identify with so much of what you&#39ve said and I admire you for your honesty. It is so difficult to talk about these things. I will pray for you and also hope that you will find some strength in the love and support of all your readers who have missed you and worried about you and who will be thinking of and praying for you. You are not alone!

  16. Thank you Karen for sharing your beautiful story. I was born worrying (my mum says). I was a nervous wreck at school. I had an emotionally abusive boyfriend for 9 years. But I now have a wonderful Christian husband and gorgeous son. I had a physical breakdown 8 years ago now, after too many moves over a short period, and also spending years trying to be something to all the in-laws that I&#39m not. Severe anxiety hit me with panic attacks, and I was bed ridden from horrid symptoms for a year, and I was caring for my dad with Parkinsons, and my son who was 6 at the time. I had to have medication after I&#39d spent a year doing it "naturally", it was just getting worse. The dizziness was 24/7 and I had to stop driving. I was holding onto walls when I walked, and gripping the life out of chairs when I sat. The anti-anxiety pills have helped in a huge way, as has counselling, and of course believing God won&#39t give me anything more than I can handle. Dramas in my life kept happening, and in-laws not accepting me or my Christian outlook on life, so a move interstate has kept them at bay. Life is much quieter now but the anxiety never leaves – you just learn to manage it better. It&#39s like an echo of everything you&#39ve gone through. And finding people that you really do get along with who have similar values is super important. It sounds like you need the comfort of like-minded people around you, and you&#39re starting to find that again. Life will always bring changes and new things to go through I&#39ve discovered. Keep God with you at all times, and know that all things pass in God&#39s time. God Bless you on your journey.

  17. Your patio looks great. You did a wonderful job with those grout lines…..I don&#39t think I have the patience like you do!

  18. Feels like you are telling my story from a few years ago, and me too am not there yet but with the grace of God I am overcoming it all!! xxx

  19. I found your blog because of an interest in home decoration. I follow you because I am an ex rocky girl and felt a kinship of sorts with a common ground. This was cemented for me with you openly talking about your faith. Now i discover that a road I travel (and rarely talk about) is one you know as well. Depression is a bitch that has been visiting me for nearly thirty years. (I am 44). I have found many ways to keep moving forward and my faith has certainly sustained me over and over. I will add you to my prayers and hope that you too can find your feet while the rug keeps getting pulled in different directions. I am thankful for my struggles. I now know that I am strong and I will not only survive and thrive regardless of depression. I am struggling hard again now as I too try to fit into a 'new' life. And it is a day by day battle. but that's okay. Everyday is step forward. You are alone in YOUR battle but please remember that you are definitely not alone in the war. I am sure you will hear from other 'sufferers' too. Your honesty and openness attracted me who virtually never talks about depression to others. Hopefully there will be others who will be able to talk about their own battle and maybe many who can't but will definitely understand.Some may give advice and if I had any to offer it would be that try things but if they don't work it's simply that it didn't work. Time to try something new. The ways in which I have successfully battled before do not seem to be be working now after so long, so even for me time to try something new. You are very brave and I thank you for reminding me that I too am not alone. I hope you find some comfort from this process. I hope that sharing has helped unburden and that knowing you are not alone affords you some armour that helps on the battleground. God bless
    PS I too have polysytic ovarian syndrome. I was told it was not likely for me to have any children at all in 1995. I have three children and there was also a miscarriage thrown in there as well. Hold tight.

  20. Sweet Karen, I am so sad that you have suffered through such a difficult time! But I&#39m glad you have been able to experience healing. I know the loneliness of not being okay. How do I tell people? Whom do I tell? What will they think of me? I know your courage is an inspiration to many. I&#39ve suffered from GAD–generalized anxiety disorder for five years and can&#39t really function without medication. I will be praying for you–that your life and your mind will be gentle with you and that the Lord will be strong. God bless you my friend who lives so far away and yet is so close to my heart!

  21. Karen,
    I have been thinking about you, and I am SO glad you wrote this post. I know exactly what anxiety and depression feel like, and I am so thankful that you have found a way to work through it. Love you girl!
    Angie

  22. I found your blog via IHeartOrganizing last month. I subscribed right away because we have similar decorating styles and I loved reading about your sweet family.

    Having recently come out of a really dark season in my own life, I want to encourage you to continue leaning on the Lord. He WILL lead you out of this difficult time and your faith WILL be stronger. The enemy will always try to take advantage of the vulnerabilities in those of us who deal with anxiety and depression. But Jesus promises us that His peace will guard our hearts and minds. I found comfort reading Psalm 18 "..He rescued me because He delighted in me."

    I will keep you – and your community – in my prayers : )

    Meredith

  24. My goodness Karen, you are so brave for sharing this. I am so glad you are feeling better. All the best xx

  25. Thank you so much Jill. You are a beautiful soul. He IS good… all the time. I truly believe it. I've had my thyroid levels checked and thankfully all is good there. I do feel speaking to someone with a more holistic approach would be of benefit. For me it all feels very hormonally linked. It first cropped up as postnatal depression after I had my third child, and my hormones and moods have been a bit of a rollercoaster since then. Glad you were able to find someone to connect the dots for you…. so important. Thank you for your loving words, they mean so very much. xoxo

  26. Thank you for your courage and honesty in blogging about your anxiety. I've really missed reading your blog and wondered what was going on. You have had a very hard time in the last months. I've just gone through a very anxious time in my life also. We so need to hear the stories of others and how they have coped. I don't think blogging is about "what I'm doing in my wonderful, successful life" or "look at my beautiful, perfect home." I think it should be about ordinary people who are striving for a better life, wanting their family to be happy, and their home to be welcoming. My favorite blog is by a blogger who spent hours sanding and preparing an old mirror she was restoring. Then, she drove her SUV over it on the way to the hardware store to get paint. That's something I would do. And, I loved her for being ordinary! I'm so happy you are on the right track — trusting in the Lord and hoping for the future. I pray for you to feel better each day. "For He will command His angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways." (Psalm 91:11) Blessings to you and your family!

  27. Dearest Lynn, thank you for your honesty. You are so right. Just in talking about this I feel embraced by so many others who've come forward identifying with what I'm saying. I never expected that. I'm a little overwhelmed to be honest (in a good way). And I think I'm starting to see why God has had me walk through this journey. We're not alone. How freeing to realise that!! Sending love to you for your daily battles… may they become victories in his strength. xoxo

  30. Oh Kaye, that story made me laugh. YES!! "I think it should be about ordinary people who are striving for a better life, wanting their family to be happy, and their home to be welcoming." I want to frame that and stick it on my wall. That's everything I hope for this blog. Honesty is scary but I would much rather be authentic and real than hide and pretend to be perfect. None of us are, and I think there's so much connection and warmth in admitting that to each other. Thank you so much for your love and prayers! xoxo

  31. Dear Karen, I can identify with so much of what you've said and I admire you for your honesty. It is so difficult to talk about these things. I will pray for you and also hope that you will find some strength in the love and support of all your readers who have missed you and worried about you and who will be thinking of and praying for you. You are not alone!

  32. Thank you Karen for sharing your beautiful story. I was born worrying (my mum says). I was a nervous wreck at school. I had an emotionally abusive boyfriend for 9 years. But I now have a wonderful Christian husband and gorgeous son. I had a physical breakdown 8 years ago now, after too many moves over a short period, and also spending years trying to be something to all the in-laws that I'm not. Severe anxiety hit me with panic attacks, and I was bed ridden from horrid symptoms for a year, and I was caring for my dad with Parkinsons, and my son who was 6 at the time. I had to have medication after I'd spent a year doing it "naturally", it was just getting worse. The dizziness was 24/7 and I had to stop driving. I was holding onto walls when I walked, and gripping the life out of chairs when I sat. The anti-anxiety pills have helped in a huge way, as has counselling, and of course believing God won't give me anything more than I can handle. Dramas in my life kept happening, and in-laws not accepting me or my Christian outlook on life, so a move interstate has kept them at bay. Life is much quieter now but the anxiety never leaves – you just learn to manage it better. It's like an echo of everything you've gone through. And finding people that you really do get along with who have similar values is super important. It sounds like you need the comfort of like-minded people around you, and you're starting to find that again. Life will always bring changes and new things to go through I've discovered. Keep God with you at all times, and know that all things pass in God's time. God Bless you on your journey.

  33. Thank you for the courage it takes to share this so openly. What a hard road you&#39re on. I truly hope you find a way through this soon… I know this post will have helped countless others simply by it&#39s honesty and integrity. Sharing means that those of us who pray can pray for you and I will commit to doing that regularly. Hang in there. Much love. x

  34. Your patio looks great. You did a wonderful job with those grout lines…..I don't think I have the patience like you do!

  35. Feels like you are telling my story from a few years ago, and me too am not there yet but with the grace of God I am overcoming it all!! xxx

  36. Sweet Karen, I am so sad that you have suffered through such a difficult time! But I'm glad you have been able to experience healing. I know the loneliness of not being okay. How do I tell people? Whom do I tell? What will they think of me? I know your courage is an inspiration to many. I've suffered from GAD–generalized anxiety disorder for five years and can't really function without medication. I will be praying for you–that your life and your mind will be gentle with you and that the Lord will be strong. God bless you my friend who lives so far away and yet is so close to my heart!

  37. I found your blog via IHeartOrganizing last month. I subscribed right away because we have similar decorating styles and I loved reading about your sweet family.

    Having recently come out of a really dark season in my own life, I want to encourage you to continue leaning on the Lord. He WILL lead you out of this difficult time and your faith WILL be stronger. The enemy will always try to take advantage of the vulnerabilities in those of us who deal with anxiety and depression. But Jesus promises us that His peace will guard our hearts and minds. I found comfort reading Psalm 18 "..He rescued me because He delighted in me."

    I will keep you – and your community – in my prayers : )

    Meredith

  38. Thanks Karen. Reading your story and then reading some of followers as well as the stories of your followers on the blog and on facebook is quite fortifying and soul strengthening in itself. I&#39m glad it has been a soothing tool not just for you but others too, but especially for you after stepping out of that comfort zone.

  39. Thank you for the courage it takes to share this so openly. What a hard road you're on. I truly hope you find a way through this soon… I know this post will have helped countless others simply by it's honesty and integrity. Sharing means that those of us who pray can pray for you and I will commit to doing that regularly. Hang in there. Much love. x

  46. Girl, you just made my cry. I put this out there half expecting to be shunned, and instead I find myself at the centre of the warmest group hug I&#39ve ever experienced. Your love and concern means so much to me. Thank you from the depths of my heart for caring. xo

  48. Thanks Karen. Reading your story and then reading some of followers as well as the stories of your followers on the blog and on facebook is quite fortifying and soul strengthening in itself. I'm glad it has been a soothing tool not just for you but others too, but especially for you after stepping out of that comfort zone.

  49. Karen, thank you so much for your blog. FIrstly, I have to say: you are such a gifted writer. Secondly, I SO appreciate your openness in sharing your personal struggles and challenges and how you are overcoming. I know what it is to feel like the life is being sucked out of you; I also struggled with depression on and off the first half of my marriage. God was also so faithful to me – as He has been to you- and brought me out of the dark hole I was in. I clearly remember the day the light came back on. In my weak and broken state I was praying, "God I just want to be strong!" Then I had a picture of a little girl holding her Father&#39s hand. I heard the Lord say, "This is the type of strength I want you to have." So I just keep holding His hand :). Lots of love to you, sweet lady. Keep up the good work! Anna

  50. Karen, I&#39m sorry to hear that you are struggling. I can relate to feeling isolated and home-bound in a new place. It reminded me of the way I felt a few years ago when we moved to a new place with a new baby and I didn&#39t know anyone. You will come out of this stronger…I will pray for your. In the meantime, continue to do things that creatively fulfill you. xo -April Hoff

  51. Sweet and wonderful, Karen. Thanks so much for your honesty. I&#39ve been where you are. I couldn&#39t–or so I thought–seek help until someone I loved told me they had suffered, too. You&#39ve done a great kindness for yourself and others by being so open. I&#39ve discovered there is always a spiritual component to a physiological illness: Will I trust Jesus to walk with me, and will He be enough? The answer has always been yes. Love to you and prayers to heaven for you, dear one. Love, Patti

  58. Girl, you just made my cry. I put this out there half expecting to be shunned, and instead I find myself at the centre of the warmest group hug I've ever experienced. Your love and concern means so much to me. Thank you from the depths of my heart for caring. xo

  60. Karen, I&#39ve just recently started following your blog, but I am so inspired by your honesty. It takes so much courage to tell the truth when it&#39s such a raw personal thing, and you are such a strong woman for doing it! I deal with depression too, and it&#39s not easy to talk about! But so important to know that you are not alone and for you to let others know they&#39re not alone. Thank you for sharing your heart!

  61. Karen, thank you so much for your blog. FIrstly, I have to say: you are such a gifted writer. Secondly, I SO appreciate your openness in sharing your personal struggles and challenges and how you are overcoming. I know what it is to feel like the life is being sucked out of you; I also struggled with depression on and off the first half of my marriage. God was also so faithful to me – as He has been to you- and brought me out of the dark hole I was in. I clearly remember the day the light came back on. In my weak and broken state I was praying, "God I just want to be strong!" Then I had a picture of a little girl holding her Father's hand. I heard the Lord say, "This is the type of strength I want you to have." So I just keep holding His hand :). Lots of love to you, sweet lady. Keep up the good work! Anna

  62. Karen, I'm sorry to hear that you are struggling. I can relate to feeling isolated and home-bound in a new place. It reminded me of the way I felt a few years ago when we moved to a new place with a new baby and I didn't know anyone. You will come out of this stronger…I will pray for your. In the meantime, continue to do things that creatively fulfill you. xo -April Hoff

  63. Sweet and wonderful, Karen. Thanks so much for your honesty. I've been where you are. I couldn't–or so I thought–seek help until someone I loved told me they had suffered, too. You've done a great kindness for yourself and others by being so open. I've discovered there is always a spiritual component to a physiological illness: Will I trust Jesus to walk with me, and will He be enough? The answer has always been yes. Love to you and prayers to heaven for you, dear one. Love, Patti

  64. Karen, I've just recently started following your blog, but I am so inspired by your honesty. It takes so much courage to tell the truth when it's such a raw personal thing, and you are such a strong woman for doing it! I deal with depression too, and it's not easy to talk about! But so important to know that you are not alone and for you to let others know they're not alone. Thank you for sharing your heart!

  65. Like many others Karen I found your blog through your beautiful interior design and stayed for the lovely personality that shines through. Thank you for baring your heart and so honestly sharing what you are going through. Your writing is incredibly beautiful and I hope that it&#39s given courage to others facing a similar struggle.

  66. Like many others Karen I found your blog through your beautiful interior design and stayed for the lovely personality that shines through. Thank you for baring your heart and so honestly sharing what you are going through. Your writing is incredibly beautiful and I hope that it's given courage to others facing a similar struggle.

  67. Karen – thank you so much for sharing your struggle. I understand how much courage it took for you to do that and I hope it has empowered you in the offering! Uncommon bravery! May the Lord continue to comfort and sustain you in the uncertainties. Blessings to you and your family!

  68. The thing I&#39ve learned about watching loved ones struggle with depression is that the very nature of the illness prevents you from seeking help. I&#39ve learned so much from your book. Remember to be true to yourself, having a second car is vital to your specific needs. Even if selling it was for financial reasons, mental health is more important. It&#39s easier to budget and deal with financial stress than to compromise your mental health. You give such good, sound advice in your book. You should probably re-read it yourself and make sure you&#39re taking care of you. I&#39m a recent reader to your blog, I think you are amazing.

  69. Karen – thank you so much for sharing your struggle. I understand how much courage it took for you to do that and I hope it has empowered you in the offering! Uncommon bravery! May the Lord continue to comfort and sustain you in the uncertainties. Blessings to you and your family!

  70. The thing I've learned about watching loved ones struggle with depression is that the very nature of the illness prevents you from seeking help. I've learned so much from your book. Remember to be true to yourself, having a second car is vital to your specific needs. Even if selling it was for financial reasons, mental health is more important. It's easier to budget and deal with financial stress than to compromise your mental health. You give such good, sound advice in your book. You should probably re-read it yourself and make sure you're taking care of you. I'm a recent reader to your blog, I think you are amazing.

  72. I so appreciate your prayers and encouragement, sweet April! And YES to the creative work, which I&#39ve so been missing. I need it back in my life. 🙂 xo

  74. I&#39ve been hesitant about taking meds for that reason. How interesting about the nuts – I had no idea!! What a great tip. Munched on some tamari almonds this afternoon. 🙂

  75. I&#39m so glad to have you here, Katrina. Thank you for being part of this community of beautiful women. Honesty is hard but I&#39m finding it connects people like nothing else. Thank you for your encouragement today! xo

  78. Janet, I&#39m so thrilled you enjoyed the book. And YES, I definitely think I need to re-read it! Hopefully I&#39ll inspire myself! 😉 I&#39m so happy to have you here in this community. Thank you for taking the time to connect and for your sweet, encouraging words. xoxo

  80. I so appreciate your prayers and encouragement, sweet April! And YES to the creative work, which I've so been missing. I need it back in my life. 🙂 xo

  82. I've been hesitant about taking meds for that reason. How interesting about the nuts – I had no idea!! What a great tip. Munched on some tamari almonds this afternoon. 🙂

  83. I'm so glad to have you here, Katrina. Thank you for being part of this community of beautiful women. Honesty is hard but I'm finding it connects people like nothing else. Thank you for your encouragement today! xo

  86. Janet, I'm so thrilled you enjoyed the book. And YES, I definitely think I need to re-read it! Hopefully I'll inspire myself! 😉 I'm so happy to have you here in this community. Thank you for taking the time to connect and for your sweet, encouraging words. xoxo

  87. LOL! Yes, hopefully you do inspire yourself. Another thought I had was that I think depression and spiritual issues are tied. I think depression impedes spirituality, certainly NOT depression coming from lack of spirituality. The Bible says if we had the faith of a mustard seed that that would be a great amount. Also, God loves the poorest of the poor. Lack of sleep is a huge factor as well. PTSD, also. I will pray that things keep improving for you.

  88. LOL! Yes, hopefully you do inspire yourself. Another thought I had was that I think depression and spiritual issues are tied. I think depression impedes spirituality, certainly NOT depression coming from lack of spirituality. The Bible says if we had the faith of a mustard seed that that would be a great amount. Also, God loves the poorest of the poor. Lack of sleep is a huge factor as well. PTSD, also. I will pray that things keep improving for you.

  89. Oh, friend. I am so sorry that you have been having to go through so much lately! I just want to reach through my computer screen and hug you! I am so thankful that everyone is okay after the storm and also thankful that you have found some things that have been working to help you feel better. Thank you for being brave and sharing your story. I know so many people will be blessed because of it. HUGS!!!

    ~Abby =)

  90. Oh, friend. I am so sorry that you have been having to go through so much lately! I just want to reach through my computer screen and hug you! I am so thankful that everyone is okay after the storm and also thankful that you have found some things that have been working to help you feel better. Thank you for being brave and sharing your story. I know so many people will be blessed because of it. HUGS!!!

    ~Abby =)

  91. Thank you, dear friend!! I feel like I&#39m the one who&#39s been blessed. Totally not what I expected … that could only be God! I appreciate you! xoxo

  93. Thank you, dear friend!! I feel like I'm the one who's been blessed. Totally not what I expected … that could only be God! I appreciate you! xoxo

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